by Joan Penfold

Setting goals? What do these 2 words mean to you? Do you cringe and run the other way? Do you think you can do it all and forget what intentions you set for yourself? It is easy to say you are going to set goals but most of us ignore them, beginning with your New Year’s resolutions!

So you say, where is it I fail? How do I keep these intentions I have set for myself or biz? What does goal setting mean to you?

Ever wonder if there will ever be time for just you? As women we manage many tasks, wear many hats, and are involved in a multitude of activities. There are days when the day ends and I keep going. Finally, when I have the opportunity to do something just for me, I’m too tired to think about it. Something is wrong with this picture!

I challenge you to pick up a women’s magazine that doesn’t address the value of making time for ourselves. There are ads inviting and encouraging us to treat ourselves to a day at the spa, to take a long, luxurious bath with candles while listening to soothing music, to visit the beach, or to go on a trip designed for pleasure and not business. I wonder, how many women REALLY take time to do the things we deserve. Do you?

For me the real issue is priorities. How can I fulfill the constant demands on my time, delegate or eliminate the things I do because I’ve always done them, and provide a window of time that is flexible and fulfilling just for me? What price do I pay on my mental and physical well-being by NOT putting “me” time on my list? The reality is if I don’t make myself a priority no one else will do it for me.

I once read that everything in life we create, promote or allow. If there is something that we don’t like, we have the choice to change it, because we are in the driver’s seat of our life’s journey. That being said, I’ve decided to take time to re-evaluate my schedule and re-prioritize my activities. I choose to feel good about myself, to be worthy of indulgences every now and then, and to eliminate the feelings of guilt when I say “no” to the world’s demands and “yes” to my own needs. I am making a commitment to take time for me. I encourage you to do the same.

You’ve heard it before: “Attitude is everything”. “It’s not what happens to you that matters; it’s how your mind looks at what happens”. Life is about “attitude”. From where I sit, it’s getting increasingly more difficult to maintain a positive mental attitude! Traffic is stressful , responsible customer service rarely occurs, people are over-worked
and struggling financially; it’s becoming very difficult for individuals to maintain a balanced life style.

When I arrive at the gym at 7:30 in the morning, a dedicated group of early risers has already worked out, showered, dressed and are on their way to face the daily challenges of their jobs. I bet in addition to feeling strong and healthy, this committed group begins the day with a positive attitude because they’re taking time to take care of their health. It’s a lesson for all of us!

Attitude is an inside job. It’s how you respond to conditions out of your control. The challenge for most of us, including myself, is how to prevent external situations from impacting our attitude. Being positive requires work. It’s a decision. It’s telling yourself that no matter what is going on outside I will remain positive.

I’ve decided to make having a positive attitude a goal for one week. For 7 days, regardless of what happens, I am going to sail through life’s annoyances. Whether it’s a delivery that doesn’t arrive, an unresponsive customer service representative, a long slow moving postal line, traffic, or an important appointment that gets cancelled at the last minute, nothing is going to disturb my inner peace and mental toughness. I am going to maintain a positive mental attitude.

It’s all about focus. Will you join me? Excuses are not an option!

Ever had any of these experiences? You are the passenger in someone else’s car and when you get in you are surrounded by empty cups, old newspapers, maps, bags of purchases, and “stuff” on the back seat. You are immediately offered an apology from the driver for the mess. You meet a potential client at their office and find yourself surrounded by piles of books, papers, and “stuff” everywhere including the chair that has to be cleared before you can sit down. How about your own surroundings? Maybe you might consider objectively looking at your own space and recognize that it could use a “makeover”!

For me the issue is more around one’s ability to focus. I find clutter distracting. I have trouble concentrating when I am in a space that’s overgrown with “stuff”. Recently I heard the following: “How you do anything is how you do everything!” That sure resonated with me. Do messy cars reflect confused minds? Do cluttered offices give a visitor a sense of confidence in the products or services rendered? If an individual thrives in messy surroundings, is that an indicator of their behavior in general? When was the last time you re-organized your wallet or emptied and cleaned out your purse?

To me clarity offers one the ability to focus. Clutter creates confusion. When I have a lot going on at once it’s challenging to compartmentalize and prioritize. I find I’m more likely to concentrate in surroundings that are free from distractions. (I know, some people actually function better in a mess. I just don’t happen to be one of them.) To accomplish what I need to do, I focus my energy and attention to one task at a time. I’m amazed at how much I gets done. On the other hand, when I’m working simultaneously on several projects I barely scratch the surface on any one of them. I achieve the best results when I work with clarity, not clutter.

Everyday all of us are bombarded – overloaded might be a better word – with choices to make and tasks to accomplish. There are a myriad of books devoted to time management, life balance and organizational. There are how to books on every subject imaginable. There are even books for “Dummies”. I suggest that for the individual who really wants to accomplish more by being more productive, the answer is quite simple.

Take an objective look at your surroundings. Are they clear or cluttered? Implement ways you can eliminate confusion in order to concentrate. If having focus is of value to you and an area on which you’d like to improve, start today! Clean out your car, organize your desk, get rid of old stuff that no longer serves you and begin. Clarity is the reward you end up with when you eliminate clutter and confusion. Which would you prefer? Remember, how you do anything is how you do everything. How is your doing going today? What will you do today to improve your performance tomorrow?

Everyone loves being complimented, even if the praise evokes embarrassment or self -consciousness. Who can resist being told you’ve done a super job on a project, the meal you prepared was delicious, you’re wearing a beautiful outfit, your kids are terrific, or you played a great round of golf? What happens when you receive a compliment? Are you gracious and express your gratitude? Or, do you immediately dismiss the giver by pointing out that the job was easy, dinner was pre-packaged, your outfit is “a hundred years old”, the kids were told behave or else, or today’s game was a stoke of luck? I wonder why we dismiss the very thing we love to hear!

I used to brush off compliments. I’d offer reasons why I wasn’t deserving of them. Sometimes, I’d think someone was just being nice to me. I actually believed by my accepting a compliment without diminishing it, I might come across conceited. Then a friend taught me valuable lesson, which is opposite of what you might be thinking! When you thank someone for a compliment, you are actually honoring them. Your appreciation re-enforces their opinion. When you disregard or dismiss a compliment, the message you’re delivering actually disrespects the sender and their opinion. The bottom line to any compliment is to be gracious to the giver by thanking them and kind to yourself by accepting it gracefully. There are no exceptions!

If, as the saying goes, “It’s better to give than receive”, then think of the joy you feel when offering a compliment to someone else. Your effort is small and the reward to the recipient is huge. Just look at someone’s face when you tell them you like their outfit, you admire their work, you appreciate their help, or you would like their advice. Some people will dismiss the compliment by offering an explanation. Sound familiar? Others will accept your comment and simply say, “Thank you”. Whatever someone’s response happens to be, don’t let that deter you from persevering. Compliment the clerk at the cleaners, the check out person at the grocery store, the mailman, the person who un-jams the paper in the copy machine, the garage attendant, or anyone else who deserves your recognition. Paying someone a compliment feels good for both sides. Make giving compliments a habit. After a while, you’ll smile when a compliment comes your way and accept it in the full spirit in which it was offered.

It certainly is easy to complain. And usually there is plenty to complain about. Sometimes complaining can produce a different outcome. Not often. It has been my experience that finding fault with just about anything is quite common behavior; mastering the art of accepting unpleasant circumstances and the people responsible for them is not.

The operative word here is control. How freeing we’d all feel if we could control situations, orchestrate what happens and modify other people’s performance to be more acceptable to us. In the real world this is an illusion. Everyone deals with their lives in ways that best serve them. It’s ridiculous to think otherwise. So, what is the answer? The answer is change? Yes,  change. The key, however, is not changing what is around us, but rather, changing what is within us. When we change our thinking by observing situations from a different perspective, we can change our behaviors and become better prepared to deal with the reality of life as it presents itself. We can actually choose to free ourselves from getting “caught up in” what might otherwise annoy us.

Do you know people who seem “rattled” about everything? Do you know others who seem even tempered and exhibit little or no stress? What’s the difference? How two people each handle similar circumstances is a function of how they each think. If you don’t like the way you behave in certain situations, you can change your thinking and your behavior when facing them as they re-occur. When you consciously and consistently do this, your world will change. It’s worth the effort.

I am an on-time person. One of biggest frustrations is appointments that run late. Being punctual has it’s drawbacks. Most people are not as conscientious about time so I’m generally kept waiting. It used to drive me crazy. By the time the person I expected arrived or the appointment for which I was waiting opened, I’d be fuming. Not only did this interfere with our communication, but it was also difficult to let go of the stress. Realizing I can’t control another person’s punctuality, I began to change my behavior and perspective. Now, I anticipate someone being late and plan ahead. I might read, write a letter, make some phone calls or anything else I can do to productively use the time. Choosing to be productive is significantly better than changing a behavior over which I have no control. When I changed, how I viewed my world changed as well.

I encourage you to look differently at those predictably annoying circumstances you face regularly. It may be the way you handle traffic, supermarket lines, being placed on hold, or anything else that frustrates you.

By making changes in both your thinking and behavior, you will find your world more to your liking. I can’t guarantee immediate success, however, I can assure you that choosing to change your behavior is a lot healthier than fighting against behavior over which you have no control. The only thing you have to lose is……….STRESS!

In my early teens I kept a diary. It was a small thick book with a strap and key. I kept it hidden safely between my mattress and box spring! Long lost and only recently remembered I would put the names of boyfriends in it, times I got angry at my parents for putting restrictions on me and secrets I could not share! Perhaps times haven’t changed and young girls still keep diaries to capture their memories.

Picture albums also re-create past experiences. When flipping through the pages I’m quickly reminded of the passage of time, events that shaped my life, and the people with whom I have shared my journey. While pictures “capture” the past, I have discovered journal writing offers a broader opportunity to “re-visit” time. For me, writing reflects my heart. Journaling is the vehicle that offers time for quiet introspection and a way to revisit my experiences. Pictures capture only a single moment; written words express thoughts and feelings. Writing helps me sort out the day’s activities by focusing on their impact on me, my behavior, what I value and lessons I’ve learned. It’s my reminder to express gratitude. It is a private record of ideas, experiences and reflections on my life as I live it.

It seems as we get older time appears to pass more quickly. Hours become days; weeks become months, and suddenly new seasons appear! Life is moving faster and faster. It’s easy to get caught up in activity; it’s challenging to take time to “stop the clock” and be alone with one’s self. The daily demands we each face don’t diminish. As long as we continually make ourselves available others will get our attention. I encourage you to connect with yourself through journal writing. Your life is valuable. Who you are inside shapes your relationships and how you deal with the world outside. Stay in touch with you. Capture your moments. Be willing to express yourself openly and honestly. You will see your life differently when you journal your journey.

It is amazing how quickly the calendar fills up as I move through days, weeks and months. Between business appointments, social plans, holiday celebrations, vacations, and family gatherings, there is always some event or commitment to plan or look forward to. Expected pleasures and the joy of anticipating them continually fill my calendar.

Every now and then, however, I am blessed with something that happens “out of the blue” or “unexpectedly”. It may be a phone call from someone with whom I have not connected for too long, a card that says “thank you”, a photograph and personal note that ends up in my mailbox, a last minute invitation to a sporting event or dinner, a greeting card sent via e-mail or just an acknowledgement. Whatever their form these gestures of friendship, love, and appreciation are unquestionably the greatest gifts of all. Not only is there joy in receiving these unexpected pleasures, but there is greater satisfaction in delivering them to others!

Recently we had a home inspection done. Because the efficiency of both the inspector and his associate was impeccable, I decided to write a letter of appreciation to the company and offered myself as a reference. It felt terrific taking the time to do this. When the office associate called me to say thank you, I could hear her smile. She said it was the first time anyone had sent them such an appreciative letter. Wow!

Why not make it a habit to offer “unexpected pleasures” to people who make a difference in your life? Just think of the difference it will make in theirs!

Why be average when you are capable of excellence? Think for a moment about the satisfaction you experienced from a job well done. Years ago while working full time and raising
two small children I earned my Master’s Degree. I poured myself into studying evenings and weekends. I attended classroom instruction for two consecutive summers.

At graduation three years later, when my name was read, as I crossed the stage and handed my diploma, I knew that I had done my personal best. In spite of all the responsibilities
I had during that time, the challenges associated with keeping my life and family together, and doubting whether I could really accomplish what I set out to do, I proved to myself what I am
capable of achieving.

For me, excellence is not about perfection; it’s about doing your personal best in every endeavor and continually striving to get better. Fulfillment is experienced by those who pursue
excellence.

From that experience forward I learned that excellence is achieved by self-training and habit. Half-way is never enough when one is capable of playing all out. When you play your best, you win. It’s essential to make plans and set goals with confidence and carry them out to the best of your ability. The only measuring tool you ever need is the one you measure against yourself. We each recognize when we are performing well. When we really acknowledge the value of everything we do, no tangible reward can substitute for our inner peace and satisfaction.

I encourage you to make excellence a habit. Every task you undertake has your name on it. It is a reflection of who you are and what you’ve accomplished. Separate yourself from others
by setting a higher example. Be worthy of your own approval. There is infinite distance between average and excellent. Decide to give up “ordinary” when you are capable of “extraordinary”. Make room for self-improvement. Increase your standards and deliver more than you had thought you were capable of. Excellence is always within your reach. Simply stated, simply do your best.

I hate deadlines and feel overwhelmed when under pressure. When I have a task to accomplish by a certain time, I’d prefer to plan accordingly to meet my obligations in advance of the deadline. Unfortunately, most of us procrastinate. Sometimes our decision to “wait until the last minute” has no affect on anyone else except creating self-imposed pressure. On the
other hand, there are tasks when finished at the last minute cause a ripple affect that results in stressing everyone involved.
I can recall many instances where I felt pressure as the result of another’s last minute performance. I experienced two postponed home settlements because the paperwork was not completed on time. Recently I had to rush through traffic because the person I was taking to the airport was still packing for the trip when I arrived at the scheduled time. There are times when I’m unable to complete my task because I’m waiting for someone else to finish theirs.

I wonder who created the saying “Wait until the last minute”. We’re all familiar with the concept because it’s very widespread. Seems like everyone waits to get things done. Most individuals are already stressed from work overload. Therefore, anytime another task is added to the “to do list” it is frequently overlooked until it shouts for completion. I’ve heard it said that what you resist, persists. I’ve found that to be true. The energy we exert on postponing doing something robs us of the energy we could be using to get the job done.

While we have no control over another’s attitude or accomplishments, we can commit to changing our pattern of performance to make our own lives less stressful. The next opportunity
you have to tackle a task whether at work or at home, it maybe worth making a commitment to beat the deadline. Decide for yourself that, no matter what, you’re going to get the job out of the “in basket”, off your list, or out of the way earlier than required. Think of the satisfaction you’ll feel knowing that you’ve lessened your stress and honored your personal commitment to plan ahead. I don’t think this is easy to do; so be sure to reward yourself for those times you are successful because you didn’t “wait until the last minute”.